For most of us 2013 was the year we graduated college and entered
the “real world”. For me, this pales in comparison to the larger change in my
life this year: becoming a walking contradiction.
At our core we are all partial hypocrites. It is a flaw that
most people do not acknowledge and can go about their daily lives without
problem. We tell ourselves that it is okay to lie, but criticize our neighbor
for the same action. We blame our own mistakes on situational problems, but see
others’ as flaws of their character. If I am late to a meeting I know it was
because of traffic, but if someone else gave the same excuse I would roll my
eyes. It is so easy to give ourselves benefit of the doubt and then place blame
on others in the exact situation.
In the same vein, I found myself able to forgive my actions
and decisions based on “the right reasons” and not for selfish gain or living
up to societal norms. I joined Teach For
America (TFA) and now watch neighborhood schools close and the unemployment
rate of Chicago Public School (CPS) teachers rise. I see students outwardly disrespect
TFA teachers because they know we will leave. I have also now experienced first
hand how poorly we are trained before being thrown in a classroom. On top of
that, I commute through the one of the most segregated cities in the country
where the north side is being gentrified and the south side has gang issue
spreading and crime rates increasing.
On the other hand, I have so many moments of joy in my new
life. I spend evenings laughing with my friends and get to explore a city that
I love and most of the time the contrary nature of my life could be over
looked. I could not complete this
summary of my life without at least mentioning my students: I love them. I
cannot imagine not teaching them and constantly feel lucky to be part of their
lives. I am not naïve enough to believe that I am the best teacher out there
for them, especially with the unemployment rate of CPS teachers. However, the
teacher turnover rate at charter schools is exceptionally high (about 2 years
in Chicago) and I am of the strong belief that my leaving now would not benefit
my students. Indeed one of the best teachers at my school is a former TFA
member and someone I whole heartedly look up to.
It is these two sides conflicting sides that I have to
balance both in my head and in my heart. The moments of regret come at the
macro level with the knowledge that I am advancing problematic institutions and
the moments of elation are more consistently at the micro level with students
and friends. I do not know if/how I am
going to break out of this hypocrisy that I have built around myself. It is
first step in acknowledging it, but does not actually fix any of the problems
that I have created. This is my contradiction that I will be living with.
If I had to relive 2013, I do not know if I would make the
same decisions. I can only move forward
and focus on my morals matching my actions. I guess there is no true catharsis
in this reflection, but that is real life. Everything does not come to a close
when the year does, but it does give us a chance to reflect and make changes
before the calendar moves us forward.
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